Falling Off the Wagon

I have a confession to make: I, the self professed 1950’s Housewife extraordinaire and part time Stepford Wife, have fallen off the bandwagon.

Really, by “fallen off” I mean the wagon hit one hell of a rut at full speed, I took a tumble, bumped my head, and have been down and out of the game for the last 6 months. Of course, though, that’s a bit of a fantastical over-exaggeration… Well, except for that “6 month” bit. That parts true- and so’s  the general idea.

It’s no secret that I struggle with Chronic Depression and other Mental Health issues. I’ve never been very quiet about it on my blog, after all. How can I be, when everything I do is effected by it in one way or another? It’s important for me to be open about that- not just for the sake of educating people on the reality of Mental Health, but also for the sake of Transparency because I often write about subjects thought of only as the realm of the Neurotypical and Able Bodied; a lifestyle that many think is completely out of reach for people like me.

With this in mind, though, it should be no surprise to anyone that I’ve been in the middle of one long, seemingly never ending Depressive episode for the last 6 months- give or take a bit of time.

I have always been a night owl. It hasn’t caused too many problems in my Husband and I’s relationship over the years, but it does cut into the one thing we enjoy the most: Falling asleep in one anothers’ arms. Because of this, my Husband and I have been fighting for the last 3 years to find a Graveyard Shift at his job to accommodate that and ensure we get more time together- and, more importantly, get to enjoy that wonderful feeling we love so much. This year, we finally succeeded even. But truth be told, it’s been an honest hell.

It turns out that, despite being a night owl, I am not (in fact) actually cut out for the Graveyard shift; it appears that all of my energy, all of my spoons, go right out the window the second “Graveyard Shift” is even remotely mentioned.

The biggest obstacle has been the fact that the majority of the things I should be doing to upkeep the house- like paying the bills, grocery shopping, and laundry- are much harder to accomplish on a Graveyard Shift. Of course it would be when you live in a rural area with one 24 hour business in sight without making a 20 minute drive to the next town. And so the work piles up. And because it piles up, I never quite feel like I make a dent in it when I tackle it.

Que the cycle; I get discouraged and lose valuable spoons, which results in me pushing it off until another day. Eventually I just lose motivation altogether. And so it continues… Right up until I’ve hit a depressive cycle and my house looks like one of our famous Tornadoes (or “quickly becoming famous” Earthquakes) has ripped through my home.

And it honestly does look like a Tornado ravaged my house; there are dishes on every available surface in my kitchen. There are boxes everywhere. The laundry hasn’t been done in I can’t actually count the number of months. And so, so much more. And that’s not including the fact that I haven’t cooked a proper meal in God knows how long– let alone touched the meal planning or even prepped anything.

At one point I rather disparagingly made a joke about it when talking to my good friend Katja on XBox one night not too long ago. I believe her words were something along the lines of “I was thinking ‘oh it’s Anna. It can’t possibly be that ba- oh‘”… And truth be told, I think that sums it up fairly well; not only do I fully believe that my friends would be disappointed in the state my house has entered over the last 6 months… But I am also ashamed to say that I am horrified by the idea that anyone should come to my home at the moment for any reason at all.

Thankfully, though, things are beginning to look up. Sure, in the last two weeks alone I’ve probably clocked 200 hours of sleep… Having a hard time staying awake for longer than two hours at a time will rack up the hours quickly, after all. But I’m finally cleaning again, and that’s certainly something to celebrate. In fact, I’ve finally finished cleaning my Bathroom, Livingroom, and my Bathroom- plus I cooked a perfect turkey, made turkey gravy and giblet broth to freeze, and even did 3 buckets of laundry (all on my own, go me!).

Of course, there’s still a lot to do; I still have to clean the kitchen, for instance… And finish the Shrine room… And find something to do with the mountains of trash piling up around the back door (please don’t even get me started on the difficulty of walking 80 feet to the trashcan when you struggled to pick up the bag in the first place. My Husband’s lucky it got that far in the first place)… But you know what? It is what it is- and I’m no less of a Housewife because of it.

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