Winter is coming on and the baby blues are beginning again. It is a bit different this year for me, however, after finding out that I may not be able to have kids at all.
Not too long ago I sat at my mother’s house on her couch. She expressed to me that she had confirmed what I have known for years: She was officially going through Menopause. When describing her symptoms, however, I chimed in that I have been experiencing similar symptoms since I was 20. It was only then- not at any point before in my life- that she felt the need to (finally) inform me that early onset Menopause was common among the women on her side of the family, and that she was an anomaly having managed to go until almost 50 years of age. Now I have spent the last week or more upset and verging on depression because of it- combined with the baby blues that I always inevitably get around this time of year.
Last night I finally broke down and talked to my Husband about it. I have been bottling all of my emotions up for such a long time, and opening up finally resulted in a complete breakdown with a lot of crying on my part. Eventually we made what will probably be the hardest decision of our life.
My Husband and I have elected not to have or try to have a child.
Really, there are only a few ways it can go if we do.
- We see a fertility specialist (of which there are only two in our state), who we pay hundreds of dollars to tell us 1. To change our diet and lifestyle- which is already healthy as is, so this advice does nothing for us, 2. The chance of having children is slim and we should undergo fertility treatments- which, while covered by our insurance, is still something we can’t afford, or 3. We can’t have kids at all for one reason or another.
- We try without bothering with the Fertility specialist, which could end up three ways: 1. We get lucky and I actually conceive, 2. I conceive but we enter into the cycle of conception and miscarriage, or 3. We don’t conceive at all.
Quite honestly, I cannot mentally or emotionally handle the idea of not having a kid despite trying. I cannot handle the prospect of going to a fertility specialist, being told that we’re healthy and that there is no reason that we are not conceiving… And not conceive. I also cannot handle the prospect of trying repeatedly and still not conceiving- nor can I even remotely handle having a definitive “no” said about my chances for whatever reason.
So for the sake of my mental health and sanity I want not having a kid to be on my terms- and if I am being completely honest, I feel as if it is the only way that I’m even going to be able to emotionally and mentally handle and cope with it in the first place- especially when I’ve wanted nothing more than to be a mother my whole life.
Undoubtedly it is still going to hurt; it is still going to eat at me because this was a part of my dreams for my life, it’s still going to be filled with “what-if”s. But at least it was on my terms and I don’t have to deal with the uncertainty or the heartbreak of being told “no”.
So now I guess the next step is to start looking into elective sterilization. We do not know yet if we are going to go for a vasectomy (which will undoubtedly be easier and cheaper for us to obtain because sexism) or a tubal litigation (which will be harder, more expensive, and lead to a lot of emotional stress and headbutting with doctors)… But that decision will probably come in time.
We are more than likely not going to change anything about our sexual encounters until then, however. We will probably continue NTNP until the decision and appointment is made- and if by some absolute miracle I do manage to conceive during that time frame I do not know. We will approach that bridge together, hand in hand, when and if that time comes. If not, however, then it will probably only solidify our decision to go through with elective sterilization.