I have a very complicated history with health, body image, fitness, and related subjects. I will, however, attempt to keep it as short as possible for the sake of not boring you too badly.
Until some point within the last 5 years, I had an incredibly negative view of my body; for most of my life I was severely underweight. To put just how underweight I was into perspective, it suffices to say that my family enthusiastically celebrated when I finally exceeded 100 pounds… My Sophomore year of High School. As a result, growing up I never felt as if my body was “good enough”. Not because I was considered unattractive, per say. But because it was never “Right” according to the adults around me.
As a result I have struggled with self mutilation, suicidal idealization, and chronic depression for as long as I remember. Combine body image issues with these conditions, and you wind up with a number of eating disorders; it started when I was younger with Binge and Comfort Eating (something which was encouraged by my parents to increase my weight). Due largely to a Gym teacher who was obsessed with Physical Exercise I eventually developed Exercise Bulimia in the 6th grade- a condition which ran until the 8th. Later, an incredibly close but skinny obsessed friend of mine developed Binge-Purge type Bulimia and I, of course, followed suit. Eventually it all culminated in Anorexia, until I finally kicked my Eating Disorders altogether.
Unfortunately that didn’t happen before I developed several Chronic Illnesses and topped out at near 200 pounds; after my Eating Disorder recovery, my highest weight that I measured was 180 pounds. I am sure that I likely exceeded weight that at some point, but I had stopped measuring. As a result, I do not have hard and fast numbers, but it certainly wouldn’t surprise me if I had.
I managed to loose a good portion of that through dangerous crash diets before I finally decided to do it the right way; after almost a year of trial and error on my own, I joined Tumblr- first as anatomyofaqueen, then as inlovewithmyanatomy, and finally as tulsafitfoxx.
At 145 pounds, I discovered the Fitblr community there and proceeded to spend the next 3 years (from 2010 to 2013) losing weight healthy and steadily. Altogether, I managed to lose 70+ pounds during my journey, with my lowest weight being 110 pounds; if you came here from Tumblr, this period is usually referred to on my blog as “Round 1”.
But it was not over yet. I still had to battle my own self loathing and hatred. While I tend to hate admitting it because I do still love Feminism… A lot of this self loathing was largely in part to my immersion in militant forms of Radical Feminist ideology; Radical Feminist Ideology is drastically opposed to key components of my interests and personality, and my goals in life. As a result of being immersed in it from an incredibly young age, it created a heavily ingrained hatred of myself that I didn’t recognize until much later in life. A severely abusive boyfriend at the time and a toxic online community did nothing to help this.
Mentally I was spiraling out of control, which eventually led to a 6 month long Manic episode spanning most of 2013- and both Self Mutilation and Eating Disorder relapse. In late 2013, however, I finally left my boyfriend (and the abusive relationship) of 3 years behind and moved back to small town, Oklahoma, with my parents. I reconnected with an old crush and proceeded to build a new life for myself.
Unfortunately due to continued stress, manipulation and abuse by my ex, an unhealthy home environment thanks to my Parents, mental health issues I hadn’t fully dealt with, and more… I ended up regaining 40 of the 70 pounds total that I had lost. I attempted to restart my routine over the last year, but due to poor living circumstances it was impossible at the time. Finally I topped out at 160 pounds. From January to about March of 2015, however, I lost about 5 of those pounds (and 5 inches off of my waist) simply by correcting my diet and eating healthier- combined with simple outdoor activities such as hiking; for those who are coming from Tumblr, once again this is often referred to on my blogs as “Round 2”.
After my Husband and I’s wedding in March we were given a house as a Wedding gift and spent March through the early parts of May (2015) remodeling it. We finally moved in and have spent the last 2 months getting settled. Now my goal is to reset my eating habits and get back into a working routine.
It’s not easy, though; between Acid Reflux, Acid Dyspepsia, various undiagnosed Digestive Issues, Chronic Depression, Organizational type Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, Sensory Processing Disorder (including Hyposensitive Oral Dysfunction), Orthostatic Hypotension, and (very likely) Ehlers–Danlos Syndrome… There’s simply a lot that I just can’t do anymore. Still, I’m determined; eventually I’ll get back there.